I finally had the chance to do a review of my life at this moment, with all that I have experienced so far until this age of 32. I originally thought that life would be smooth sailing with a few bumps and hurdles here and there (the enemies will be clear, and I can summon the strength to overcome with fortitude), with stops to refuel along the way in universities and other stations that give a boost of intellectual and spiritual energy. But the reality is far from imagination, and with constant misinformation being fed into the communities I am living in, there does not look an end is near that is spelt clearly “EXIT”. Every day is a torture in psychology, in termination, in self esteem, in decision making, in communication, in burying myself under the weight of this fictitious prison construed by my mind and my environment together, the weight has become unbearable and life insufferable, if both me and my parent have conceived the same goal: to use death as bargain power against the injustice done to us, and look forward to it, or even welcome it with open arms: I think I have managed to reach a place where it is very dark. What my parent did with the parent of theirs is just as hardwired in our life.
What are we at war about? The pursuit of happiness and the pursuit of truth and love, and I would even dare to add liberty and love to this pursuit. We are born at different places, many to different parents, some to the same. We all grow to believe that we are right being born in the family, with the right education and right personal connections, we can make it out there in the field: for the engineers inside, for that rule abiding, morality respecting part of us, we find the reality of world we live in is just not that rule following, no matter how genius the laws from religion and government structured the society. And it seems that we are all blaming the social collective conscious for the inadequacy in our lives. To put it another way, we all want to find our own scapegoat in our lives to pin the evil on, being it another person, or the president of the country, or just a random accident in our lives. To some, they pin the evil done to them on the society, on external circumstances, and preserve the truest part of themselves with those they truly trust, being it their best friends or family. Rarely do we see a case a family is willing to sacrifice itself for others, to apparent no gain, and only stupidity from others’ point of view. For as human beings, we forget pain much too quickly to get on with this current of life. To find our own boat, and keep ourselves afloat in it. We never consider for a second that what would that endless chase bring unto others, what it meant to be who we are in this world, or how we are in it.
To Find ourselves in this world, a position where our talents, our mindsets, our destiny match and life bearable, problems overcoming is nothing short of a miracle.
We constantly move at a pace that is faster than light, one might argue, the invention of computers and electronic media and its transmissions have changed the way we view the world today, and the information we receive is just not discernible from those rumors in the medieval times, and every one is afraid for the fear of being different, unique, or rather outspoken. And this tradition still being passed down generation after generation to perpetuate evil, or is it suppression of individuality?
To Discover Is To Overcome the Irrational Part and Substitute it with proper understanding.
There are times we come back to the drawing board to find out what actually happened in our lives: do we grow, have we grown, what does growth mean in terms of a person, or is it that we become less sensitive towards the friends and families around us, and found something that is as valuable as the gold itself? When we choose to climb that mountain, that Himalayan mountain, do we discover the new scene, and enlarge our visions of this world. That is to be determined. Years of study and the pursuit of knowledge lead me to a very dark place.