As I grow, the culture within me starts to bubble up to the surface of my life. I wonder how much do I need to give up in exchange for this new life. Like one of the Quora post says that it is like coming out of prison, into a new world that rules are different from what you used to believe. I might add it is just like coming into a new one with a new set of regulations even with a different language. And that might be daunting to me at first sight. As I realize how far this road is going to lead me. I realize that I need a friend to talk with about this life experience of transitioning from one location to another with virtually no support except the care from my parents and perhaps grandparents.
The road ahead is still bright as usual. My decisions so far are not returning to the places where I grew up for more “feeding”, but remain at one place to concentrate my mind onto something that speaks volumes in getting recognized for who I am and being useful for who I am in places where they need someone like me. My fear is not my atrophy of language skills, which I have experienced along these years. I suppose I have to be content to let go all of my ambitions, my desires and my dreams to focus on the bigger picture: what are the values that I uphold, what do I stand for being Peter Du. What do I live this life for, if not for myself.
Today a Chinese person tells me that it is important to serve yourself as well. And I believe he is right. When I go back, I except to lose all of my privacy, all of my freedom, and all of my liberty in one swoosh. I will become a slave again, this time to the social machinery of China. What I have toiled and worked for in my life will be for naught in terms of climbing that career ladder, that societal ladder, in exchange for something intangible in my life, a future that is rooted in family values, a future that means losing simple pleasure in life, but learning to climb mountains to see further, to be crowded by people again. Do I really want that?